


The Truth of the Matter

by NIghtsShadeWolfess



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Looping Timeline, M/M, NG+, New Game Plus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-11-18 06:52:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18115535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NIghtsShadeWolfess/pseuds/NIghtsShadeWolfess
Summary: Over and over, repeating again and again. Souji has been stuck repeating the same journey over and over. It could have been worse. He adores his friends and he usually gets a happy ending if he does everything the same way. He gets to stay in Inaba forever. Things eventually start to wear on him as he starts to feel alone all over again, separate from his precious friends by secrets he can't tell them without facing extreme consequences.If he wants this to end, he's going to have to figure out the real truth.





	1. Second Verse

It's usually the same, he reflects quietly as the scenery slowly passes him by for what has to be the millionth time by now. What he's looking for, what he has to find, it's a perfect ending. At least, that's what he's come to believe anyhow. He can't remember the first time if there even was a first time. For all he knows this could be everything his life has ever been. That distant memory from before is just that, distant and shrouded in a fog so thick that not even Teddie's glasses seem to be able to pierce. It's a hollow memory but he can't place why. He allows it to slip away from him as he focuses on the now, this time, what he can do better and what he can avoid doing at all. 

A shame really, all things considered. 

He wishes he knows what to do. The image of Igor's expression, patient as always, is singed into the back of his eyelids. Igor is just as aware of the circumstances as Souji himself is, if not more aware. Margret is a little less patient, but still willing to help the boy along. They allow him to summon Personas that by all means, he shouldn't have, high-level Personas from a future he has yet to face.

Izanagi is eerily quiet so Souji sets up his party with a good number of powerful Personas that will let him skate through the first dungeon or two. He keeps all his powers as the last time. In fact, sometimes it seems as though his capabilities just keep stacking. More health, more stamina, shocking amounts of knowledge and charm. Of course, revealing that could become dicey. He'll have to go easy on the shadows in the area to keep from one shotting them. He can't use spells because that again would be too obvious. All he can really do is hold back as much as possible and wait out Izanagi's unbearable silence. 

Izanagi will appear when he needs to, just like always. Protecting not Souji in those first couple moments of his existence but Yosuke, that's always Izanagi's priority. With his level 99 skills he'll one shot the shadows to protect Yosuke and then he'll disappear. He won't be helpful to Souji.

Izanagi treats Souji with a bizarre amount of disdain and remains ever silent. His Personas have always chattered in the back of his mind in one way or another, each piece of himself making itself known through his daily decisions. He feels like Izanagi should be loudest by merit of his status as Souji's 'true' Persona. He feels like Izanagi has spoken to Souji with conviction and strength in the past, spoken often. But Souji can't hear him anymore and he can't summon up any memories of hearing the pouty god in other resets, so he lets the sinking feeling drop without a second thought. 

It's weird for a piece of his own self to treat him in a way that borders on hatred, but he feels as though he's done something to deserve it even though he can't summon up any memories. 

He thinks it has to do with the looping. Over and over again he keeps looping, looking for a 'perfect' ending that he's not even sure exists. Why? He's miserable, deeply miserable even though a small part of him says that he shouldn't be. He should just forget about the looping and enjoy the fact he gets to spend a year with his friends all over again. It should be a dream come true! 

The thought feels foreign and he pushes it away like the plague, a bit unnerved by its presence. 

He allows his thoughts to wander to his teammates for a couple of moments. His heart wrenches in his chest. He cares for them all so deeply, it's hard to describe just how much it hurts watching them have to go through all of this so many times. He can't confide in them. There are emotions surrounding some of his teammates that he just can't admit out loud to them. 

That doesn't mean he'll actively ignore them himself. Ignoring all of... that can't be healthy. Trying to turn away from the truth of the situation would be a good way to manifest a shadow, and that's something he just can't handle right now. 

He has a theory as to why he's never manifested a shadow before. He's never tried to actively lie to himself. Yes, he's lied to other people about himself, but he's never repressed any of his thoughts and emotions the way that many of his friends have. If his shadow strolled up to him and started accusing him of being terrified his friend with abandoning him then he'd tell the shadow to inform him of something he isn't painfully over aware of. He knows this truth about himself, and while he might not actively wear it on his sleeve he acknowledges it enough that he isn't trying to hide it from himself or others. 

If he started trying to ignore these emotions as a whole, he feels as though he'd be turning away from his internal truth and trying to lie to himself. That was the fast track to getting a shadow. 

He needs something to take his mind off all of this.

Souji sighs as his train finally comes to a stop, the announcer calls out the stop but Souji doesn't need to listen. He already knows. He decides he's not going to keep lingering on doubts and fears. He needs to find the truth and get that perfect ending if he ever wants to get out of this looping hell. Not just for himself, but for the friends who are trapped inside of it with him. So far he's the only one to start realizing that things are off. Little things that he can't really always place along with all the big attention stealing things. 

A normal person would become jaded at this point. Tired and sick of all these constant resets that infuriatingly border on driving Souji mad. Souji is certain he would have become jaded long ago if he didn't have the friend group he has now. They're the last thing keeping him sane. 

His body lurches slightly as the movements around him start to slow and eventually comes to a stop. There are few people remaining on the train as things stand, so he's able to silently pass through the car all on his own. It's exciting and terrifying in equal measures because of what it represents. 

When he steps off the train he takes a deep breath and savors the way that the air rests in his lungs. It's springish and light, not carrying the same heavy undertones as the air does closer to the end of the year. Nervous energy doesn't charge the air and air doesn't sit on the back of his neck, silently judging his every action. Instead, the air is gentle with the slight hint of nip from the retreating winter and it smells sweet like nature and he tells himself this is the way that Inaba is _supposed_ to feel. 

He takes the familiar steps towards Dojima and his little sis-... his younger cousin. He doesn't need to look around in confusion because he already knows exactly where the two are standing and he strides towards them with a chilled kind of confidence that he's perfected by now. His composure is unflappable, even though there's a sharp pain in his chest every time he reminds himself of what he's going to have to go through all over again. 

"Well hey there Souji," the voice that belongs to Dojima says but the words have changed from the typical pattern they create. It's instantly noticeable to the silver-haired boy has to look a little closer at his uncle. Everyone always says the same thing, especially at the start where he hasn't acted differently enough for the slight changes in the dialogue he comes to expect during later months. New. Something new. His heart beats a little faster when he realizes that for the first time since all of this began, something's changed. He's terrified and excited by the fact he doesn't know what. 

If Dojima wants to act different, then so will Souji. The silver-haired boy smiles as he approaches, a rare expression that he saves for those important to him. In all this time he's become no more talkative and he's still just as stingy with his more obvious facial expressions. He gives off a blank expression at school and saves his smiles (and his energy) for the rest of the Investigation Team and his various friends outside of the team itself. Trying to be expressive, be emotionally open, it's just so draining. Especially for a boy who's parents trained him not to be. 

Nanako is already slightly ducked behind Dojima but she seems to light up at Souji's expression. "Long time no see uncle," Souji says with a gentle voice as he gets close enough to the pair they can hold a conversation at a normal volume instead of shouting across the train stop. Not like there's anyone to disturb. He holds out his hands and Dojima offers him a quick shake. 

Dojima overall looks quite pleased, and if Souji isn't mistaken his disposition as a whole almost seems gentler. "I'm glad to see you still recognize me! I haven't visited in a while, so I have to say it's a little bit of a shock," he says before turning to Nanako slightly. "Nanako here is my daughter, I don't believe the two of you have ever had the chance to meet. She's a little shy. You think you can introduce yourself?" His voice is carefully measured as he addresses Nanako, trying not to scare the small girl. Nanako initially hesitates but Souji gives her his warmest smile, the one that's only meant for her.

Eventually, she gives a quick nod and steps out of Dojima's shadow, hesitant but brave in her approach. "Hello. I'm Nanako," she says, but quickly jumps back behind Dojima after her introduction is done. It's three words as opposed to a single syllable so Souji considers himself lucky. He nods quietly, keeping his expression warm and as unintimidating as possible. He tries not to default back to the emotionless poker face he's gotten used to. He'll still wear it for classes of course because that's just always how he's been. He'll be the cool and mysterious transfer student, but for his friends, he'll be warm. He'll try to be transparent and affectionate, especially for Nanako.

He has to be her big brother, after all, now doesn't he? 

Dojima seems satisfied with his daughter and nods quietly more to himself than anyone around him. "Alright then, with introductions out of the way we can all pile into the car and we'll get you home. We'll have to take a quick stop at the gas station. Hopefully, you can hold out?" Dojima's hesitation is met with a silent nod from a mostly silent boy. No matter what he continues to be a man of few words. He's always specialized in nonvocal communication though, so he's sure it'll still be fine. 

Right before he leaves, tailing his cousin and his uncle, he's met with a rather familiar occurrence in what so far has been an unfamiliar reset. Marie walks past, knocking a piece of paper from his pocket as she goes. Or, at least, she's supposed to. It looks like something flies out of his pocket, but the address is still there when he slips his hand inside. Yet the paper flutters on the wind curiously. 

Marie picks it up, and of all things turns to him with a sad smile. "Please be happy already, Souji. I'm getting tired..." She says as she passes the paper to him without an extra word. She turns on her heels and disappears as quickly as she came. The boy finds himself jarred as she leaves with a certain aura he can't place. Souji doesn't know how to describe it. Elegant? Intelligent? Regal? All of those words could easily apply but they don't seem like they're enough. He tails Nanako and Dojima feeling deeply shaken by the whole encounter. 

There's something different and he doesn't know what, let alone why. He hasn't done anything yet which could have triggered a change. Even his own internal musing are similar to past thoughts and trends. Has he done this too many times? Is the loop starting to break down? Is it a preemptive change caused by Izanami? Did he do something remarkably small and just not notice? He can't help thinking about the butterfly effect, but he's quick to dismiss it. 

It takes active force to change the future. He doesn't doubt the butterfly effect as an idea, a thought that small actions can change the course of events life can follow, but he doubts how extremely small things can be. How can the beat of a butterfly's wings possible shift life so drastically? 

If he wants something to change he'll have to actively pursue it, it won't just plop itself into his lap. 

"Hey, you okay, you look a little pale," Dojima asks and Souji realizes that they've come to stop at the gas station. Souji still hates this gas station if only for the encounter he knows he's about to have with Izanami. She always pretends like she doesn't know him, shakes his hand and smiles. But Souji can always see that damned smirk glinting in the corners of the goddess' eyes. 

"Just lightheaded," he says, trying to keep the shiver out of his voice. He turns his attention away from the prying eyes of an aged detective and steps out of the car. He can already feel his stomach roll as the rest of his family does the same, Dojima getting a fill up on gas while Nanako runs off to go to the bathroom. 

Izanami of course, as always, approaches Souji with that insistent chatter and an outstretched hand. When she grips his hand, it's fierce and dangerous. Her eyes suddenly harden and her voice drops, taking on the tone and elegance of the goddess presiding over Yomi and death. "I don't know what you've done, child of man, but I'm not amused," she hisses before she lets go and the pleasantly fake smile slips right back onto her features with an efficiency that puts Souji and Rise combined to shame. 

The silver-haired boy is confused and floored. It's a weird mixture of emotions and goddess seems to pick up on the boy's confusion, backing off slightly. "Ah, my mistake, I thought you were someone else," she amends with a nervous laugh. Souji is blessed with an effective poker face even if it pales in comparison to a goddess, and apparently, she believes it, thinking that his confusion is more rooted in misunderstanding towards her actions than a genuine confusion as to what he's done. What has he done, he asks himself quietly. 

_What are you going to do?_

Souji shivers and his thoughts scatter in all directions as a jolt runs down his spine. Izanagi, who up until this point has been silent as the grave, finally speaks. It's not as harsh as prior reruns. Instead, it borders curious. 

_What have you already done that you are going to do?_

The personification of the god quickly amends. Souji is left to his confusion as Izanagi falls silent. With the god's silence, the silence that had existed over all his other Personas finally breaks and it turns into a cacophony of noises that make it impossible to think. Each one offers up answers and Souji grows irritated because Izanagi already knows the answer. Souji himself already knows the answer, but why can't he remember it?

Is something wrong with him.

He feels the worried gaze of Dojima rested on him as he returns with Nanako. "Hey, you've been traveling for an awfully long time. You wanna stretch your legs and get some fresh air for a moment?" Dojima asks. His voice is gentle and he rests a hand on Souji's shoulder so delicately that the boy feels like a young child. 

Souji quickly shakes his head. "No, just feeling a little homesick and tired. I just need to lie down for a bit is all," he dismisses the offer with something that isn't quite a lie. He is starting to feel a little homesick, but not sick for the home he just left. He wants to be back in the Dojima residence, his shelves covered in the mementos of a long year, his cheeks stretched him a smile while his phone chimes with texts from all of his friends. 

Dojima hesitantly nods but doesn't try to continue the conversation, quietly slipping into the car and taking it the rest of the way home. Home is a good word, it already helps Souji's chest to feel a little lighter even though his head is heavy with secrets and truths he's forgotten or is currently ignoring. The brush with the goddess always leaves him a bit out of sorts, but now is even worse. Now all his Personas are screaming out possibilities and ideas and not a single one of them feels right, like little red herrings swimming through his mind. Scales flush enough to rival the blood in his veins when a shadow gets in a lucky hit. 

When he arrives at the family home a little bit of the illness and stress he's been feeling starts to slide off of his shoulders. "For the next year this'll be your home too, so don't be shy," Dojima says as he opens the door and slips off his shoes. Nanako and Souji follow his lead, and Souji can't wait to get upstairs and flop onto his futon. He barely manages to make it through dinner with Dojima before feeling the need for sleep. He feels fatigued in ways that words can't describe. 

Yet, there's a small flicker of hope that burns at his ribcage as his memories of the last run become foggier and foggier, more useless but still useful enough to know what to expect. Just useful enough. He needs sleep but the voices in his head just demand more attention.

Finally, Izanagi's voice rises above the rest. It's hesitant, as though he's hesitant to help Souji, but it demands silence and silence is in fact given. Souji quickly falls into a restless sleep. 

_**(~~~~)** _

_"Why do you still fight it?" A voice echoed through the fog. Souji's eyes strain to try and pierce the shield of white but it seems impossible. "You keep trying to fight this, but all will be to no avail. We both know that for this is the truth that you seek. A helpless, hopeless reality. Why embrace it when I can give you much more wonderful dreams!" The voice sounded borderline distraught in Souji's ears. The beings words resonate deeply as the word truth is spoken, but not in a way that makes him think the creature is right. Quite the opposite actually._

_As far back as Souji can remember, this dream was the one thing that always went differently. Always different words, mocking phrases meant to harry the young Wildcard into giving up. Peering through the fog, her voice was always condescending. Mocking him for his attempts to free himself from the looping circular motions of time. Mocking him for trying to face the truth but also forge his own. Fight for a better future._

_There was a necessity in facing the truth of the moment, but the boy had long ago realized that truth wasn't absolute. Maybe it was painful now, maybe it hurt, but there was always a way to change it. Bitter trials might face those who tried, but there was always a way. He saved Marie, didn't he? Even when he knew the truth, knew that releasing her from her grave could so easily result in a world of fog, he'd still tried to forge a better truth for himself. Or had he? He couldn't remember right now. His thoughts swirled like fireflies, twinkling little sights that became distant and gloomy through a fog so thick he could cut it with a knife and somehow not even make a dent._

_It pooled around his ankles and tried to drag him down. It wasn't he who wanted to live in this fog, but the voice of the many which cajoled for him to give up. Give up already! He didn't listen, he'd never listened. Perhaps it was one of the many good traits he'd learned from his beloved friends. He'd never quite been this stubborn before coming to Inaba. Such was the way of life when one spent so much time around so many strong personalities._

_Despite this being's typical upper hand, Souji could swear he heard the trepidation in the voice who represented humanity's shared desire to be blind. The fear. Did it think that maybe it could lose this round? Its words sounded more like distressed accusations. There was a little jolt of excitement and he could feel Izanagi stir._

_"Why can't you just be happy!" The voice echoed in his ears with a bellowing shout. Souji flinched but he didn't back down. He couldn't back down, there was too much at stake. Pushing his way through the fog he lashed out._

_The voice snarled at him as his swing missed, but he could feel movement as something seemingly stepped back from the blow. Retreating. This was new in a way that even this dream usually wasn't. Never before had the being lost ground in one of these dreams. "Very well, let us see how you fare. Perhaps you will prove to me humanity's true wish. Their true strength." 8 canary yellow pairs of eyes suddenly blinked open where the creature had been moments before, looking at him curiously. They were waiting for something, but the boy didn't quite know what. Something they hadn't gotten in a long time._

_They placed the weight of their desires onto Souji's shoulders even though he couldn't tell what that desire was. Something told him he did, another something told him he didn't. It tried to be louder, but the something that did was so very clear, cutting through the mist that had started to seep inside his skull, trying to banish memories which he suddenly felt the desire to cling to with every last drop of his strength._

_Souji could feel himself starting to lose consciousness. The fog swirled around him, coaxing him into what was likely to be a deep sleep, a forgetful sleep, a blind sleep. He wanted to give in, a large part of him just wanted to lay down and sleep. To dream. It was a tempting offer, but for half a second he could swear he saw one of those pairs of canary yellow eyes masked behind silver bangs starting him down. There was a fire in their expression. A dare._

_He returned the expression, answering the dare with a promise._

_He had never turned his eyes away from the truth. Not willingly. He finally refused to let the others do the same._


	2. Welcome to Inaba

He wakes up early the next morning, trained to do so in order to get a head start on the day. Enough time and dedication can easily cause a habit, and Souji through a good amount of effort has set his internal clock so that he's always the first one to wake up in the Dojima household. 

He pads downstairs on silent feet, knowing that there's no chance Nanako will wake up but it's likely that Dojima is starting to at this point stir. He always wakes up before Dojima needs to leave, and today he's given himself a good head start to get everything ready for the day. He wonders if he has enough time to make lunch, but he doesn't want to push the clock depending on how long it takes him to get breakfast ready. The fridge, as it stands, is also remarkably barren which just adds another layer of difficulty in trying to make breakfast and lunch.

He can start getting better groceries after he retrieves his... let's call it a cache. 

Breakfast will do for today. Even without the additional help of Souji's "cache" Dojima makes enough to easily buy groceries, he just never has time and Nanako has little experience. Souji has more experience then people twice (or even four times) his age. In addition, when it comes to making meals for family and friends it's not even a matter of having enough free time since he just ends up stress cooking after every escapade into the TV world or a particularly intense encounter with a social link. Stress cooking, stress cleaning, essentially the boy has resigned himself to the fact he becomes a stereotypical housewife whenever he gets stressed and by the end of the year Dojima is going to love it. 

Even if ingredients are sparse, there's enough to make omelets. A nice easy egg dish with some toast. He has all the ingredients and Nanako simply adores omelet rice so he sets the rice cooker up so it can cook while he preps the eggs and dices ingredients. 

Eventually, Souji is setting down the third and final plate at the table while a very confused Dojima is followed out by a sleepy Nanako who's sniffing at the air with a happy expression. "Did you get up just to make breakfast?" Dojima asks while he sits down. Nanako is quick to take her spot at the table. Finally having finished waking up, her expression goes from happy to ecstatic at a pin drop. 

"Yeah, I usually get up early so I figured I could do something to thank you for taking care of me," Souji says. He plays it up with his most charming smile and abandons the idea of making lunch to instead sit down with his uncle and his cousin and have breakfast with the pair. Nanako usually isn't up around the time Dojima is getting out of the house. It's likely the clatter that summoned her, or perhaps the scent of food, but Souji can already see the expression of joy formed on her features. She's going to have a good day. 

Dojima also seems as though he's going to have a good day. He tries to get ahold of himself and eat quickly but as soon as he's taken the first bite his eyes go a little wider. Nanako mirrors the expression when she digs in. "Kid, you actually made this?" The man asks with the most baffled expression. Souji just smiles and starts to tear into his own plate. His stomach feels hollow after the day before. It's not his best work by far, but he's impressed with how everything came out, especially with his lack of proper ingredients. It's nice enough and he gets to leave with a full stomach. 

Once he's done eating Dojima heads out of the house, sparing a quick goodbye hug for both Nanako and Souji. Souji for his part tries not to seem too excited. 

He's more of a touchy-feely person than he initially gives the impression of being, which often confuses others. He can't really explain it, but there's something grounding about touching those he cares about, even if it's just a hand on the shoulder. Something possessive due to having lost important people so many times perhaps. Nanako has never minded, and Souji doubts she'll mind this time around either. The rest of the Investigation Team will eventually get used to it. 

"Thank you for breakfast!" The little girl chirps before she rushed off to go and get ready herself. Once she's done she offers to walk Souji to school, or at least show him the directions, but Souji declines. The path is already memorized and all it takes is a simple excuse to convince her that Souji doesn't need a guide. He ends up somehow leaving the house at the same time as he always does. He expected to be a little later given breakfast, but it seems he gave himself enough time that morning.

If he wants to start making lunches he'll need to do one of three things. Make them the night before, get up even earlier, or only make breakfast for Dojima and Nanako. He could probably eat on the go, but it's something he doesn't really want to think about right now. Making lunches the night before could mean having the chance to make a larger portion and send Nanako off to school with something in addition to Souji usually making a second portion for whatever friend he's spending the day with. 

So many things to do this reset, so little time. At least his morning walk is relaxing. 

Souji is happy to take the same path he knows and loves, the patter of rain breaking against his umbrella as he walks. He knows this routine already, obeys this routine every time. Walk to school, ignore Yosuke, survive boring school day, wait to start changing things until they've at least gone into the TV for the first time, he's already gone through this pattern too many times before. 

Except, one of those things isn't going to happen this time. Well, technically two. It's quiet, but there's a push at the back of his skull that something needs to be different. It's an electrifying kind of pressure that rests in the back of his mind and he thinks he can feel Izanagi pushing at Souji to _act already_. He doesn't plan on anything changing even with the pressure applied by Izanagi. He doesn't think anything's going to change and if it is he doesn't know what. Not until it's happening anyway. 

It's a split second decision really, one made from old reflexes that haven't yet gone silent in this new run. He hears the exaggerated whoa long before he sees Yosuke. Out of the corner of his eye, the bright yellow slips past, panic and fear in the voice of the bike's owner. Souji doesn't actually mean to do anything, but his body remembers too many battles and he reacts on instinct alone. He has to protect his teammates after all, and Izanagi is silently floored to take control even if it's only for half a second of lacking impulse control. He jumps quickly, pouncing forward and grabbing the handlebars of the bike. His foot slips out and he uses it to stop the wheel in motion. 

He almost falls over himself, but Souji wouldn't be the leader if he wasn't as dexterous and adaptive as he is. He brings the bike to a full stop without any injury to himself or its rider. It's only after that half second that a small bubble of confusion and dread slips into his stomach and starts to make it churn. 

Souji looks at Yosuke who's body jerks with the sudden stop. He looks a little dazed, but he isn't sent flying into a pole like usually. Yosuke then turns to look at Souji, confusion, and marvel resting in equal parts. Souji jumps away from the bike like he's been burned. Of course, how could he be burning when he's wet. He's managed to drop his umbrella in the madness. Quickly he scoops it up so when he gets to school he'll only be damp instead of drenched.

"Be a little more careful, it might be about time to retire that bike," Souji says, his mouth refusing to consult his brain before the words are leaving his body. To his benefit at the very least, his body decides to put on the cool, always unphased leader facade that's served him well since time immemorial. There's lightning in his veins and there's still a burning sensation flush against his palms, a sensation that rushes up to his cheeks the moment he turns his back on Yosuke and begins to walk away. At least Yosuke doesn't get to see it and most of the people who saw it happen are too busy whispering to one another to pay attention to a very blushy Souji. 

He swears he can hear Izanagi laughing. It's a howling, echoing, joyful sound that pushes against the confines of his soul. Izanagi sounds almost happy and a little bit of the ice that's slowly built up in Izanagi's corner of Souji's skull starts to melt away. Of course, Izanagi hasn't completely returned to normal. Whatever normal even is, Souji can't remember. Even if it's not quite normal yet, it's something. It doesn't stop Souji from being confused, but at least it makes him feel a little better about the entire encounter. 

Yosuke doesn't say anything, he just watches Souji quietly while the silver-haired boy walks away down the street. 

Souji admittedly begins to panic as he makes the rest of his way to class. All he can think about on his way to school is hurricanes and butterfly wings. There's no telling what could come from this. He's excited and scared and despite everything, something feels like it's silently realigned itself while his attention wasn't on it. He isn't sure what and he isn't sure if it has anything to do with Izanagi, but the pleased sensation coming off of his typically disgruntled Persona is the only thing that keeps him from fully outwardly starting to panic. 

He's on autopilot when he goes to the staff lounge as new students are supposed to before their mandatory minute of embarrassment as ways of introduction to their new classmates. He doesn't listen to a word anyone is saying, not that he really needs to. He's heard it all a million times before. He doesn't actually remove the autopilot until he's standing in front of the class, King Moron's typical insults slipping from this lips. It's almost shocking how bad the disassociation between the walk to school and suddenly full class is, but Souji's mastered the art of pretending to be something he's not.

It's easy to act like he isn't jarred at all. Easy to pretend he isn't suddenly very acutely aware of his place in the world and his own existence and how terrifying that sensation suddenly becomes when he's standing in a room of judgy teenagers. There are suddenly so many pairs of eyes on him. He already knows what he's going to say, but something catches his interest. Yosuke's head isn't plastered to his desk with a look of misery. He's actually sat upright, eyes sparkling with a curiosity that mirrors the rest of the class. 

In fact, if anything, he looks a little mystified. It's obvious he remembers Souji from earlier that morning. Souji reminds himself that he only needs to make three good first impressions. The rest of the class doesn't really matter, and that helps to settle down his nerves at least a little. 

There's a sudden burst of confidence that blooms in Souji's chest. It's a small change, he decides, but he wants to try something a little different. Just a little. "You calling me a loser?" He asks with a curious tilt of his head. He keeps his expression completely passive, it would be easy to play off his insubordination as accidental like he usually does with a clueless and curious sound to his voice. Except, he doesn't use his regular tone. There's an undertone of challenge and pride that he allows into his voice that isn't usually there.

King Moron's tirade is twice as bad, but his class looks at him with starry-eyed wonder. King Moron looks absolutely furious, sounds completely outraged, he's red in the face even. But the class looks so absolutely floored that Souji can't help the small swell in his chest. He can see his three friends looking at him with various expressions of intrigue. Yosuke is looking at Souji with an expression that borders on reverence. 

_Your courage has increased!_

Izanagi's sudden narration is familiar and yet entirely unfamiliar. Almost like something he's forgotten. He can't summon forth any prior memories of hearing Izanagi speak in such a manner, or act so talkative, but it feels comforting and almost right. Like this is how it's supposed to be, but the god had been ignoring Souji for some reason. Souji can't begin to understand what he's done in order to earn back the diety's favor, but he doesn't have long to linger on it before the voices of charmed classmates whispering to one another start to fill his ears. 

"Talk about balls, purposefully standing up to Morooka like that."

"Oh wow, he's so attractive! How can you even pull off hair like that while looking so good?"

"Isn't that the dude that saved Yosuke from a crash this morning? His reflexes are pretty stellar."

"Even if he did save Yosuke of all people, it was amazing to watch!"

Souji ignores the comments for the most part but notes that fact that him saving Yosuke could change a couple of dynamics, just guessing off the words of his classmates. Yosuke's bad reputation had never had a negative impact on Souji in the past. Quite the opposite, Souji's reputation usually makes people show a little more respect to the orange haired boy. Will he get a little more flack for his actions in defense of Yosuke if he's already helped the boy before he's even got his foot in the door? It's hard to say. 

It doesn't matter though, his friends mean more than a little reputation damage. 

Eventually, Morooka quiets and allows Souji the empty seat next to Chie like Souji should be grateful he isn't being forced to sit on the floor. Not like he couldn't still get top grades. It's going to be easy to trounce everyone else for the top spot, so he'll have to figure out a way to entertain himself. For a while, he'd spent his time teaching himself the more advanced topics during the time he usually would have been studying, but he's gotten to the point where he's already memorized all the second and third-year material. 

He's going to trounce college entrance exams too it seems. 

Morooka continues on with his tirade, completely oblivious to the fact over half the class has stopped paying attention and the other half wasn't paying attention to begin with. He doesn't have to worry about Souji 'ruining' any of the girls around School. Yosuke is a different matter, but commenting on that really would be asking for death and Souji doesn't think even after everything that's happened he has enough courage for a quip like that. 1000 plates of mystery food x couldn't be comparable to announcing his feelings for Yosuke. 

Coming on that strong would be unwise. Coming on at all, given the fact it's Yosuke, might be unwise. 

Eventually, the class is let out like normal. After all, Morooka can't go on forever and the announcement goes off just as always. Souji knows that he could easily escape class and slip away without any teachers taking notice, but instead he sits for a couple of moments and observes the class. In particular, the interactions of his soon to be friends. The girls introduce themselves to Souji without any differentiation from the normal script, smiling warmly at their new classmate because they don't know he's their best friend yet. 

Nothing else seems off or even different until Yosuke moves to return Chie's DVD. Yosuke approaches with a certain amount of confidence he doesn't usually have. There's a lack of nerves and when he talks to her it's casual. No begging, no whimpering, no preemptive fleeing. "Hey Chie, sorry I didn't get the chance to give it back before class but here's your movie," he says while he hands it off to Chie. The girl pops open the case, pulls out the disc to inspect it, and then places it back into the case with a pleased nod.

"Not even a smudge, I actually feel like I should be impressed," she says in return as she slips the movie into her bag. A small amount of confusion comes over Souji, remembering the disc is supposed to be beyond broken. However, it's completely in one piece as of right now. If the DVD is supposed to be broken but isn't, that would imply that the bike crash is what ends up breaking the movie. The bike crash that Souji has prevented. 

Butterflies and hurricanes. 

Chie and Yukiko lead the way out of the school with Souji tailing behind the two as always. Except this time Yosuke follows along as well, not debilitated for a solid couple minutes by Chie's punt of death. Yosuke smiles warmly at the silver-haired boy and Souji swears he feels his death fast approach with the way his heart leaps into his throat. There's something warm and genuine about that smile. 

_You feel yourself becoming debilitatingly attracted to this boy and you haven't even started his social link yet. Oof._

Souji tells Izanagi that it's time to shut up and the god just laughs as though it's the first time he's felt actual joy in years. Souji wonders for a moment how a creature like this was born to represent the confines of his own soul, but he doesn't have to wonder long. He doesn't need Izanagi to make the self-deprecating jokes, Souji usually does it himself. 

"Hey! I didn't get the chance to say it this morning, but thanks for the help. I probably would have crashed. Just between you and me, it's likely that Chie's disc would have gotten thrashed in the crash so you really saved my skin twice," Yosuke leans in to whisper conspiratorially and it takes every ounce of Souji's self-control not to blush like a first-year and start stammering. It's amazing that Yosuke can still have this kind of effect on Souji, making him feel like a little kid with a crush all over again.

A crush that pushes painfully at the confines of his rib cage because he's been keeping it confined for as long as he can remember. Izanagi moans pitifully, but Souji knows that the Persona won't turn Shadow. He's not trying to lie about the crush, at least not to himself anyway. He just  _never_ wants to tell Yosuke because his friendship is important above all else. 

Souji doesn't remember when he fell in love with his best friend. He chalks it up to something that happened quietly during the first run, but at this point, it doesn't matter how it started. What matters is the looming question of 'how do I ask out my best friend without scaring him away' which pounds against his skull and threatens to give him a headache. The answer is honestly fairly simple, just don't. He swears he can hear Izanagi give a disgruntled huff as they leave the school. 

Speaking of which, the inside of his skull is miraculously quiet for how many Personas he currently has with him, baring the unusually yet usually talkative Izanagi. It's a silence that usually results from Izanami acting as the de facto leader, being that he is the 'original' personality, but it's a kindness that Souji hasn't experienced as much in recent runs. Izanagi being talkative is one thing, but keeping the others quiet is entirely another and he once again revisits the question of what he's done to please the god in such a way to once again offer Souji kindness that's unfamiliarly familiar.  

"Hey, Yuki, right?" A voice catches Souji's attention and he internally groans, realizing what time it is. He turns his attention towards the 'creepy student' who's decided he wants to try flirting with Yukiko.

The girl in question looks confused as the boy continues to speak, rudely at that. Souji feels the hairs on the back of his arms start to stand up on end. The overprotective personality traits associated with the last run and being the 'Leader' still weigh on him. Yukiko is typically a good friend, second only to Yosuke, and when Chie isn't around its Souji's job to calmly dismiss any suitors who she doesn't want around. 

Luckily he gets the point and storms off before anyone has to step in. "They treat her like she's some kind of object," Souji mutters under his breath. His words are meant for himself, a little way to alleviate the venom sitting on the back of his tongue as he hears mutters of the Amagi challenge and he thinks about Yosuke's actions in the following moments to come. Thinks about the way a fit of vicious jealousy is about to burn at the back of his throat while he tries to remain silent. 

Except Yosuke doesn't comment to Yukiko. "Yeah, it's a bit disconcerting, huh? She shot me down the same way when I asked her out last year, but I can't really blame her. We didn't really know each other much," Yosuke turns towards Souji. Instead of trying to ask out Yukiko a second time he continues speaking to Souji. "Either way, yeah you're entirely right, people don't even ask her out anymore because she's cute. They ask her out because she's become a trophy and I have to admit that's really uncool. If a dude is gonna ask a chick out it should at least be because she's pretty or nice and would be fun to date. Not because of prestige."

The boy jumps slightly. He really didn't expect anyone to hear him muttering to himself, but Yosuke is standing close enough to his side that it would make sense that he'd hear Souji's muttering. A presence that usually isn't there, he quietly notes to himself. "Girls aren't prizes," Souji agrees with a nod even though there's a stab in his chest because Yosuke wants to date a pretty girl. Not Souji. 

Yosuke nods in an almost sagely manner before swinging his body onto his bike. "You girls be nice to the transfer student okay? Don't let them bully you, dude," he says before he takes off. Chie sputters, looking offended by the comment but not having the chance to deliver a deadly attack. Perhaps Yosuke planned it that way and that's why he decided to hop up onto his bike instead of sticking around. 

"We were just curious!" She shouts after the boy with a disgruntled expression, eyes speaking to her limitless fury. Souji holds back the barest hint of a laugh. Maybe it was a little bittersweet, but it still felt good to be surrounded by his friends again. Even if he had to rebuild those friendships, the people didn't change which to a degree was comforting. Chie was still Chie, and her loud nature turned out to be exactly what Souji needed. He walks home with the girls, trying to give each one equal attention.

Things go normally after that. Or, well, normal as defined by the typical routine of how the day is supposed to go through resets. Souji supposes that finding a crime scene doesn't necessarily constitute as normal. Well, unless you're a detective like Naoto or Dojima. 

Speaking of which. 

Souji tries to keep his friends from getting too close to the crime scene in their investigation of what was going on, but Dojima still notices and stumbled upon their group in particular despite there being other onlookers just kind of gawking. Chalk it up to Dojima being Dojima he supposes. "You kids shouldn't be around here," the older detective lectures as Adachi runs off like he's new to this whole game, pretending to be sickened by the dead body. 

Souji tunes out Dojima and instead focuses on Adachi, observing the man quietly. 

_You feel a deeply rooted sensation of anger seeping into your blood. You contemplate confronting the faux detective and making him pay for his crimes now, but you've tried that already. You know it won't work. Even if you can't remember trying it. You hold back your anger and try to instead focus on making sure everything comes out right._

Izanagi's words this time set off tiny alarm bells in Souji's head. He's... tried confronting Adachi before? He can't remember that, but Izanagi has no reason to lie. Quite the opposite actually, he has every reason to expose every ounce of the truth. Even the things so deeply buried in the back of Souji's mind that Souji can't remember it. Of course, the revelation makes the hair on the back of his arms start to stand up. That means he's forgotten more than just the first run, a disconcerting thought if he was going to put it lightly. 

Souji would be lying if he said he didn't rush home to spend time with Nanako afterward. 


	3. The Burden Of Memory

Dragging himself out of bed that next morning is hard, harder than most mornings actually. He feels fatigued like he'd just gotten his Persona for the first time again, which is rather odd since he hasn't felt that way since... well, he can't remember. It was probably the first run. He doesn't get tired anymore because Izanagi is already there, waiting quietly most of the time. Perhaps it's because Izanagi has been so outwardly vocal this time around, but Souji doesn't begin to understand why that would be the reason for him being so out of it. 

He manages to drag himself out of bed a couple of minutes later than usual. Still plenty of time to cook breakfast, but absolutely no time to think about lunch. He supposes that's fine though, he won't really need a lunch considering what day it is. Souji feels himself brightening up just a bit as he preps breakfast for his family. 

"Is this going to become a regular occurrence?" Dojima asks when he emergences from his room to the scent of food. 

Souji gives a quick nod, the corners of his lips curling upwards just slightly. "Hopefully. I'll need to start going shopping if I want it to stay a regular occurrence, but yeah, I don't really mind," Souji says with a quick shrug. He's already plating the meals and setting them down at the table, wondering if he should wake Nanako up or let her get a few more minutes of shut-eye. 

"If you decide to go shopping, make sure you take Nanako with you. I usually give her an allowance to buy food for the week," Dojima says. The implication is fairly clear, if Souji's going to be cooking meals for everyone then he should at least let Dojima pay. Souji doesn't really need Dojima to pay though since he still has his cache. Admittedly he won't get the chance to retrieve it for a while longer. It'll require going off on his own, which will require a little bit of smooth talking and cunning. 

It was odd, there were certain locations within the TV world that never changed no matter what between resets. A special item or something along those lines that Souji got during the last run would still be there this time as long as he put it in one of those locations. That went for equipment, money, medical items, and various other trinkets of importance. It didn't apply to everything admittedly, but it applied to enough that Souji had spare sets of equipment, items, and lots of money set aside for emergencies. Part times jobs weren't required anymore, they were a way to waste time and get in touch with the social links they were associated with. He doesn't really even need them for his social stats anymore. He doubted folding envelopes could make him any more diligent than he already was. 

Of course, he can't tell any of that to Dojima. "Okay," he agrees while quietly promising himself that he would use his own money and whatever Nanako got Nanako could keep for herself as long as she kept it quiet from Dojima. It wasn't hard to convince her to keep secrets though as long as it wasn't openly malicious. Souji had confided in her many times over regarding his crush on a certain teammate and best friend of his and the only thing she'd ever done about it was side-eye him sometimes when he brought Yosuke over, almost like she was trying to guilt him into confessing. Once upon a time, she'd tried to verbally convince him, but that ended with Souji's look of unadulterated panic that convinced Nanako not to press the issue. 

She thought of everyone in the Investigation Team as an older sibling, much like she thought of Souji, however she usually ended up extra fond of Yosuke whether Souji told her about his crush or not. 

By the end, everyone would have the title of sibling in her heart. Souji would remain the only one with the official title of Big Bro, Yosuke would ultimately be the first to have -nii affixed to the end of his name, but eventually, everyone would be adored by the Investigation Team's precious angel child. 

Eventually, the girl in question woke up and the family ate together. Breakfast ended rather quickly with Dojima having to rush out after a short amount of time and Nanako herself having a small amount of homework she still needed to finish before class. She was a good girl and had done most of it the night before, but this little portion was something she wanted to ask the teacher about so she planned to show up a little earlier to get help with it. That left Souji.

He probably could have headed out early, but Souji made sure to leave at the exact same moment that he always does on this one particular day. Izanagi doesn't seem to have any issues with Souji keeping this one particular detail the same every run. Why would he? Eventually, he heads out down the all too familiar path. It was hard trying to keep a smile off his face. It was even harder when a yellow and orange blur zipped past Souji at a dangerous speed. He just hummed quietly to himself as all the other students tried to ignore the giant crash and the moans of pain that start emerging from a trashcan.

Yosuke, in all his glory, smashed into a trash can and against all laws of physics somehow managed to maneuver his body in such a way that he'd miraculously gotten stuck in said trash can.

_He's an idiot and you love him._

Souji doesn't even try to argue with the god. "Hold on a moment," Souji sighs as he approaches the screaming trash can. He manages to get Yosuke to stop squirming around, wrapping his arms around the other boy's waist and dragging him out. Yosuke yelps as he's pulled out and Souji tries not to let his hands linger for longer than necessary, retreating back the moment Yosuke is freed. 

After being dragged out Yosuke heaves a very heavy sigh, his cheeks stained bright red. He gathers himself up properly, grabbing his bike and freeing himself from any remaining garbage, before turning to Souji and addressing his savior. Souji has trouble trying to hide the fond smile that seemed rather insistent about slipping onto his features.

"Hey there, thanks for the save and also sorry. You've only been here for a couple of days and already you've saved my skin at least 3 times!" Yosuke shakes his head with a laugh, easily brushing the situation off with a joke. This makes things admittedly easier for Souji, feeling himself easily slip into the old rhythm of interaction between himself and his best friend. "I don't think I've even properly introduced myself yet, geez, talk about a royal screw up. I'm Yosuke Hanamura and I'm sure I've made the most charming of first impressions," he grins and gives an exaggerated wink. Souji wouldn't be entirely shocked if he bowed.

That wink was often found insufferable by many other members of the investigation team, but combined with the almost cattish grin it was easy to tell that the flirty expression was exaggerated on purpose to be a joke. The girls didn't understand that, but Souji had caught on pretty quickly. Yosuke's nature was one that often defused tension with comedy. Souji was given the most credit as the head of the Investigation Team, but Yosuke was really the heart and deserved so much more respect than people tended to give him.

It was for this reason Souji couldn't stop a warm, fond expression from claiming his features. "No worries, I assure you that you have," he lets out the smallest breathy laugh and gives Yosuke a smile that's only intended for the other boy. 

"Aww crap, I'm so sorry, we're going to be late at this rate," Yosuke says with a flinch, his expression morphing into one that's more apologetic. "Here, hop on. It's a little rickety but we should be able to get to school on time," Yosuke says as he scoots forward a little and motions to the back of his bike. 

Souji feels his heart plummet into his stomach which is in the process of doing a little flip. The empty spot where his heart was moments before starts to ache and Souji can feel himself tense up for half a second, unbeknownst to Yosuke who somehow sees nothing wrong with the situation. 

He loves it.

He hates it. 

He clamps his jaws shut tight as he swings onto the back of the bike. It takes legitimate effort not to spit out some line begging Yosuke to skip class with him instead because Souji is sick of the same classes all the time and really he just wants to spend the day with the best friend who he's so obsessed with it physically hurts him. It takes all of the diligence he possesses not to do anything 'weird' by Yosuke's standards to get himself kicked off of the bike. Or worse, do something that could make Yosuke want to avoid Souji all together.

Eventually, the two get to school on time. Souji simultaneously wants the entire situation to be over already and to never end. He's resigned himself to the fact he'll never get the boy of his dreams. The two start getting ready for class after Yosuke chains up the bike and Yosuke apparently decides it's as good time as any to strike up a conversation.

"So how are you getting along in Inaba so far? I'm from the big city too, so I know how much of a shock it probably was." By some miracle of fate (or perhaps a curse) the two have their shoe lockers right next to each other. Yosuke is quick to start getting ready for class. Efficiency isn't nessisarily a word most people would ascribe to Yosuke, but in the moments when it's just him and Souji the word seems to fit so beautifully. Same thing when they're in the TV. There's a notable grace and rhythm to all of Yosuke's actions, a fluidity that's hard to describe. Only when that rhythm is thrown off by something does he fumble. 

It really makes Souji want to punch him in the face... with his own face. It hurts, it's wonderful and it hurts so amazingly. 

He really wishes his rampant thoughts would shut up for five minutes so maybe Souji could hold a normal conversation with Yosuke instead of wondering if Yosuke's hair is closer to orange or brunette. It's a shade somewhere in between, often subject to variance due to the way that the light reflects off of it and this really isn't helping right now. Get it together Souji, you're supposed to be the cool level headed leader. He decides the color, much like Yosuke's eyes, is closest to caramel. God damn it Souji. 

"It's different," is all that Souji can manage in regards to an answer. Yosuke thinks nothing of the short response, after all, it's Souji. Souji who'll soon enough have a reputation for never smiling and barely talking. At least, those are the rumors that his fan club are going to spread. 

"You can say that again! I came from a real tourist trap, lots of foreigners constantly in and out. Compared to the stuff there, there's absolutely nothing fun to do here," the roll of Yosuke's eyes is practically as audible as his sigh. The word nothing feels heavy. Give it a day and there'll be plenty to do. Souji still remembers racing around like a mad man constantly during the early runs. Trying to raise his 'stats' high enough to not worry about that anymore. Figuring out the trick to his cache so he could stop doing every odd job he could for the gear to protect his teammates. 

He still has a full schedule and so many part-time jobs, but now he isn't running around 24/7 and he has more free time to go out with friends when they text him. Money isn't an issue. Not when part-time jobs make peanuts compared to harassing shadows. It's not like he really even needs the money at this point. He has spare sets of gear for all of his friends. He knows if he outright gave everyone the best gear possible at the start then he'd raise some eyebrows. So he's got some of the poor quality stuff stashed away to make it look a little more like a natural progression of gear strength and he'll still buy some things, just, it's unlikely those things will ever do much damage to the money hoard he's built up over time. 

The money doesn't really mean much though. It's what he can do for his friends with it that really matters. How much easier he can make it on his teammates by providing resources he couldn't in the first run. If he starts to run low, well, let's just say he's learned how to milk shadows for all the cash they've got. He doesn't think about the potential of crashing the economy, not right now anyway, not when there are lives on the line. 

Souji admittedly isn't looking forward to some of their forays into the TV World. He'll be able to coast through the first couple dungeons, relying on the strength he's gathered through the many resets as well as the power of his Personas themselves. He'll need to remember to hold back. 

Yosuke continues to chatter with Souji on their way into class, filling the silence easily in a way that's natural. Souji has never been a talkative person so he's grateful that his best friend ( _cough love of his life cough_ ) is really good at filling the gaps in conversation without much prompting. Yosuke seems to immediately catch on to Souji's quiet nature just like always. 

The rest of that morning passes by in a way that Souji can only describe as too slow. His thoughts are scattered yet focused on a singular source. Specifically, the boy sitting behind him in a class. Zoning out for the day wouldn't really do Souji much harm. It wasn't like the things being taught in class weren't things he'd gone over too many times already and he knows the patterns the teachers followed. Without fail they always called on him at certain times on certain days. The same thing could be said of when they called on Yosuke. Outside of paying attention to those specific moments, there was little reason for Souji to pay much attention. 

Without a lecture to focus on though, the time passes by sluggishly at an absolute crawl. He could only distract himself with for so long. Drawing in spare notebooks that didn't have a use or even going as far as to write stories. Listing out every minute detail of future plans just to keep his mind on something else for even a couple of moments. Yet, no matter what he did, his mind always drifted back to Yosuke and Souji was made painfully aware of just how much he wanted to turn about in his chair and give the other boy his full undivided attention. It was painful. Outright painful. 

When the class was finally dismissed Souji couldn't help but sigh in relief. 

There was a sharp difference he'd found between repeating encounters with his friends and repeating the same classes. One was a lot more pleasurable than the other. Maybe he could predict every outcome. Maybe he already knew the way that a single conversation would go. But the companionship he felt and slow crescendo to being someone his friends could trust usually made it feel a lot more worth it compared to listening to the same drawling lectures. 

Yosuke stood up and moved to stand beside Souji's desk as the silver-haired boy was still packing up his things. "Hey, since you're new and a city boy just like me I was thinking that maybe the two of us could hang out? The town specialty is grilled steak and I know a real cheap place we can go, I'll even cover you. Think of it as thanks for all the help you've already given me," Yosuke's words are slightly different but this is nothing new. Slight variations based on Souji's actions were common after all.

What wasn't common was the way that Yosuke acted while he asked his question. His hand went to the back of his neck, an action Souji instantly recognized as Yosuke's most common nervous tick. In addition, the boy shifted his weight from leg to leg like he didn't want to sit still. It was usually a byproduct of too much energy, nervous or otherwise, but was usually the most pronounced when it was nervous energy. These actions were typically reserved for embarrassing situations and the TV world so it threw Souji off for a second. 

"Steak? Oh, I wanna come too! You do still owe me for lending you my Trial of the Dragon DVD!" Chie is quickly summoned from the meat dimension at the mention of food. 

Yosuke's expression sours slightly and he crosses his arms. "What? No way! You lent that to me, and I returned it in pristine condition. I don't owe you jack," the boy makes an exaggerated gesture as he shakes his head and Souji stifled a giggle, trying desperately not to let a smile onto his expression. 

Chie pouts but, to Souji's absolute shock, eventually relents. "Fine," she draws out the i in the word and continues to pout but her disc still being in one piece seems to make her relent. She grumbles a couple of times but gets over it quickly enough in true Chie fashion. Even if she's paying her own, she does decide to still tag along, which is a relief to Souji because things could have gone wildly different otherwise and Souji doesn't think he's prepared for that. "Hey Yukiko, you wanna come?"

Yukiko pauses for a moment as though considering but eventually sighs and shakes her head. "Unfortunately I have to help out my mother at the inn today, so I really should be going," she looks so sad and tired as she says this that Souji has to wonder how this girl eventually comes to accept the fate of taking over. Yosuke doesn't even make a comment, seeming as much at a loss for words as Souji. That leaves the question of how this is going to affect things. 

When Yosuke leads them out of the school, he doesn't lead them to Junes. 

This is new and unfamiliar, uncharted waters. Souji loves it and he hates it at the same time, much like his addiction to the boy with orange-brown hair who proudly comes over to Souji and Chie with their orders. 

"Here you go, best steak in town. I promise," Yosuke says with a giant smile as he hands off the food to Souji who takes it graciously. "Satonaka, yours is on me too," he says warmly with that joking wink. Souji is unsure if Chie takes it seriously or not, but she doesn't say anything. She looks a bit confused for a moment before she takes the portion of meat offered to her and stops questioning this chain of events because free food usually silences any train of thought in the girl's head. Usually. She could be serious when she needed to be, but free food was free food. 

"I actually expected you to take us to your place," she ends up commenting. "Junes is pretty cheap after all." 

Souji mostly tunes out the conversation since it turns into Yosuke scrambling to explain his relation to Junes which devolves into the typical stuff. Instead of getting to meet Saki, Yosuke instead just ends up mentioning her in a passing comment. 

"Ooooo, Yosuke, do you have a crush?" Chie asks, zoning in on the mention of Saki. Souji feels a small stab of jealousy in his chest, quickly followed by guilt. He won't lie, he's usually jealous over how much Yosuke seems smitten with her at the start of every run. Chie's comments usually frustrate him more than embarrass Yosuke and it always leaves a bad taste in Souji's mouth. He knows he shouldn't be jealous of the dead but he can't help his own emotions as much as he tries. All he can really do is chastise his overactive Id. 

Except, Yosuke doesn't seem much bothered by the comment. "Nah, it's not really like that. She's nice to me and all but I think it's more so just because I'm the son of the manager. That's usually how it is. I won't lie that she's cute, but she always looks so tired. I'm more worried about her than anything," the boy says with a quick shrug and a shake of his head. 

The comment comes right out of left field and feels like a smack in the head. Souji... doesn't understand. This Yosuke acts more like 'we're on our last murder and I've had character growth' Yosuke, not 'oh my gawd girl/nooses are bad' Yosuke who Souji is familiar with at the start of each run. There can only be two options. The first of which is that Souji's actions have wildly affected the way that Yosuke acts and this kind of personality was always buried somewhere, Souji just never got to see it.

Plausible, but not the most likely out of them all. Also too self-aggrandizing for Souji's tastes.

The second option is that something is finally starting to break and the runs are blurring together, meaning that his friends are still acting like the friends that he knew at the end of the run. That doesn't make much sense though, there are a couple of details that indicate this isn't the case. There were absolutely some differences in the way that everyone was acting so far, but it wasn't wild enough a difference to imply this was the case. 

Izanagi seems to think there's a third option, but he won't say what it is. His two friends continue to chatter back and forth, their words related to the midnight channel blur inside Souji's head as he tries to pin down an answer. These almost don't feel like his friends in a way, but at the same time, they feel the most like his friends he's ever seen. 

When they're done with their meal Souji ends up rushing home with promises to check the midnight channel still on his lips. Things are different. Not exactly 'wrong' but very different, and he needs time to gather his thoughts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You can't catch me gay thoughts."
> 
> "Yes we can!"


	4. Midnight

It felt very, very different that night when midnight came. It was like being stuck in a bad dream. Unable and unwilling to break yourself out of it, but no one else is around to do it for you. A bad repeating dream was a good way to describe Souji's situation, but he wasn't sure how to fix it. He wasn't sure if he even could fix it on his own. 

As the minutes ticked up to midnight too many thoughts swirled around his head, confusing him, forcing him to second guess himself about what had actually happened in past runs and what hadn't. It had gotten so bad that at some point he'd started to keep a journal just to keep all his thoughts straight. He didn't want to accidentally start talking about something that hadn't happened yet or potentially didn't happen at all. He'd done it before and usually telling his friends about his situation ended badly.

He'd only test it a couple of times, trying to inform his friends of the looping. It tended to have mixed results. Sometimes it caused fighting, sometimes the others decided that he'd gone mad. He could chock a couple of the events up to timing, like when he'd foolishly admitted to everything directly after Yosuke got his Persona. That was an ugly run. Other times though he got the timing perfect and he still managed to end up with a full party wipe. Some monster or another was stronger than they were supposed to be like fate was yelling at him for doing too well in spite of her. 

He'd grabbed a blank notebook on the way home earlier that day, the likes of which was currently sitting in his lap as he continued to wait for midnight. His first task was writing down everything he knew, everything that was supposed to happen and all the little details and clues he'd picked up along the way. He would retrieve one of his older notebooks the first chance he got and cross-check the facts, but for now, he didn't want to lose anything so this fresh journal would have to do.

He made sure to place extra emphasis on the fact that the usually quiet Izanagi had been acting differently. It was hard to adjust to, given the typical personality of his main Persona. 

In all of the runs that Souji could remember he always struggled with his Personas. Each one was an independent force, at least the ones he fused and captured. They had distinctive personalities of their own creation and sometimes they didn't always agree with Souji's. They were masks that he could put on and wear, personalities that he could pretend he had, but unlike Izanagi, they weren't 'him' by any means. They were loud and having too many Personas that were too powerful and too loud at one time often led to migraines if not worse. They'd gotten bad enough that Yosuke had noticed in past runs, but luckily no one else ever seemed to notice Souji's internal dilemmas. 

It made him love and fear Yosuke all the more that the caramel haired boy seemed to be the only one in all of Inaba who could see through Souji like he was transparent. Yosuke didn't even always realize he was doing it! But those eyes, sometimes it felt like they were piercing Souji's soul and his assumptions about how Souji was feeling or Souji's mental state often hit close enough to home that it almost scared the silver-haired boy. 

The boy finished noting everything down in his journal before sighing heavily in dissatisfaction. It felt like something was missing, as always. Especially when it came to Izanagi himself. On one hand, the events he'd written down were everything that Souji could  _remember_. All the experiences he had a vague sense he could prove because he could remember them happening. 

On the other hand, Souji couldn't nessisarily remember but he felt like things had been different once upon a time. It was distant and too fractured to really be called memory, but he could still feel the quiet sense of calm and control Izanagi's presence had once commanded inside his skull. The silence that the other masks of his so easily fell into because Izanagi was Souji's 'real' self. The one that sat deep down and fully agreed with Souji's thoughts and actions. His truest Id. Because of that, Izanagi was kind and his word was law to the other Personas. 

When he was present, all of Souji's other selves complacently fell into line and remained wonderfully silent. That had stopped happening at one point though. He couldn't remember why, but he had a feeling it had to do with the resetting. Was Izanagi mad at the situation, mad at Souji, or possibly even mad at both? 

Souji felt his blood freeze slightly, wondering if it was something he did which caused the resetting. That was brushed off quickly enough though. If he caused it purposefully and chose to actively forget the first (or even first couple) reset(s) then surely Izanagi would have turned into a Shadow instead of a disgruntled Persona. So that meant the situation needed to be a, out of Souji's control, and b, part of the reason that Izanagi was upset. 

If that was the case, what spurned Izanagi onto the road of forgiveness if anything? Was it Souji change in actions, or was it an internal change he somehow didn't notice occurring? He felt a shiver run through him as he grappled with what he didn't know anymore. What he'd forgotten. It was important, he knew it was important, so very important but he just couldn't reach out and touch those memories. Not anymore anyway. It frustrated and disturbed the usually composed boy as he continued to wait for midnight with such a deeply rooted agitation sitting in the pit of his stomach. 

There was another question too. Marie. His first interaction with her was markedly different. She'd seemed tired and sad like she'd been playing a part for too long and she just wanted to rest already. He wanted to track her down and start a proper conversation with her regarding what was different. How much of this was related to her, or was she just as much of a bystander as the denizens of the Velvet Room? Margaret through every interaction and iteration rarely gave him anything helpful to work with if she even mentioned the resetting.

Margaret usually wasn't the type to give Souji clear clues. It was obvious she cared about him, he was after all still her guest, but she never made anything easy. If anything her vague hints and her constantly troubled expression seemed to make things all that much harder. The biggest enigma of all was the owner of the Velvet Room himself. Igor rarely mentioned the resetting, rarely talked compared to the first run or two. That being said, Igor never seemed all too upset. 

Sometimes Souji wondered if this was something the master of the Velvet Room had been expecting. Like it was a natural progression in Souji's journey. How the hell could this be natural though? 

The static of the TV finally dragged him out of his thoughts and towards something that would hopefully be more productive. The static easily covered the pattering noise of rain (a noise forever ruined for him, unfortunate given how much he used to love the sound), and he could feel his heartbeat start to race with old adrenaline. A fear that something was going to go wrong, a fear that had never quite left him after the first time he messed up. He'd messed up so many times thereafter...

There were two ways a run ended. The most common was right after he saved Marie. As soon as that final dungeon was dealt with everything just seemed to jarringly cut out, like a damaged VHS coming to a screeching stop in the middle of a movie. He was aware of Izanami, but not truly aware of her in the sense he could remember facing her. The second was when Souji messed up. Always a miserable experience to be sure, one or many of his friends being perched on telephone poles. Phone calls that left him feeling woozy as he blacked out and woke up on the train to Inaba.

Sometimes he was the one on those telephone poles. It was a weird experience. He'd feel the cold aching claws of something and then suddenly it would be like a third person camera. He'd get to watch his friends discover his corpse. Watching their distraught expressions, see the hurt and terror in the eyes of his uncle and his cousin, know that he was the one who messed up. Know he didn't deserve to be grieved.

The worst endings were the ones where they couldn't stop Adachi. The screams. Gods, the screams. Naoto was the first one to call him after such a failure, but every time he fails in such a way it's always a different person to call. Souji will never forget Yosuke's scream, it was scorched into his mind so painfully that Souji swore his heart stopped and he wanted to jump out the window then and there, rush to his beloved and make everything be okay. He just wanted everything to be okay for once!

He wanted to close his eyes and pretend that everything was okay.

But okay is just okay. A painful mediocre that sometimes dipped into unpleasant. Hiding your eyes from the truth was always just okay. Blinding yourself was always just okay. You could pretend that the bad thing wasn't real as long as it never touched you, but okay doesn't bring happiness. Only in facing the truth and daring to change it could man find happiness. This was the reality Souji knew, perhaps that's why even after so many painful ends and the sinking knowledge that his beloved would never love him he continued to power through. Continued to fight. 

It was bleak, but not unbearable because as long as he was fighting the pain reminded him that he was alive. And as long as he was alive, there was still time to change his fate. Even the weakest butterfly's wings could still bring down hurricanes. 

Even still, watching the midnight channel was something that brought him abject horror. He could feel it in the deepest, darkest confines of his very soul, a kind of fear that made even Izanagi shiver. Souji was relieved to find tonight's showing of the midnight channel entirely unchanged. He'd been worried that the number of changes so far was going to cause something a bit different to happen. Just as he was about to settle for the night and relax a voice called out to him. His head was suddenly splitting as his vision swam.

_"I am thou, thou art I. Thou seeketh to make a contract that has already been broken. Will thou turn thine eyes away from the truth, or will thou champion its name despite the way it burns thine hands and scorches thine eyes? Tell me, seeker of truth, what contract will you forge in this one's ashes?"_

The voice felt too loud, as though Izanagi were actually in the room speaking instead of the vague whisper that Souji usually felt in the back of his head. He blinked a couple of times, trying to right himself. The weight of an important decision rested on his shoulders, though he wasn't sure of the decision he was actually making. The only thing he'd really caught was the question. Would he avert his eyes from the truth or would he endure its pain?

Of course, the question was entirely rhetorical. More warning than it was a question. Izanagi was a part of Souji, the faux god knew the answer from the moment the question had been asked. 

Uncertain fully as to why, Souji forced his way towards the TV on unsteady feet and forced his arm inside as ways of an answer. Something almost gentle ghosted across his fingertips. Despite whatever brushed against his hand acting gentle, he could feel calluses, hardened and fierce. It felt like another hand, perhaps? All he could see inside the TV was his own reflection, and without warning, something was forced into his grip. 

He wasn't dragged inside the TV like every time before it. Quite the contrary, this time it almost seemed as though the TV spat him out, the way his arm was forced into his own world. He managed to right himself instead of stumbling backward and nearly knocking himself unconscious on the table. Thank goodness, he'd feel bad if he woke up Nanako... he supposed he'd also probably feel bad if he cracked his skull open on a table but that was really secondary to Nanako at this point in the resets. 

He'd gotten worse injuries from Yosuke, emotionally and physically. 

Looking at the item which had been forced into his palm, it looked a lot like a key. It was the same deep shade of blue as the velvet room, but he somehow doubted that was where the key went. Did it have something to do with the TV world? That seemed like the smartest guess. Once again glancing towards his now quiet TV, all Souji could see was his own reflection staring back at him, looking far more composed and understanding of the situation that Souji actually felt. 

_**(~~~~)** _

Souji didn't end up getting half as much sleep as he'd originally wanted to that night. The events that happened kept spinning around in his brain, keeping him from dozing off for at least a couple hours which resulted in him barely having enough time that morning to make a quick breakfast. Of course, he still did manage to make something for Nanako and Dojima, but he was going to be running late if he didn't hurry. 

The one thing he made certain to do before he left that morning was grab a second umbrella. 

It had become something of a habit for his friends to routinely forget their umbrellas. Souji, of course, always remembered his. He'd memorized the weather pattern and double checked daily just in case. He was, after all, the leader of the team. He didn't want to miscalculate how long it would take to go through a dungeon and end up having to drag the team out a quarter till midnight in order to finish the last stretch of a dungeon that he thought they'd have till next Thursday to finish. Of course, that had only happened in the first place because Souji ended up forgetting it was Thursday. That had been one of his earlier runs where he hadn't quite gotten the swing of things. 

It wasn't like his teammates didn't forget to check the weather channel too though. No one in the Investigation Team would forget to check, just in case. Remembering to grab their umbrella before they left even after the channel quiet clearly said it was going to rain was a different story entirely. Of course, accidentally forgetting was more of a Yosuke and Yukiko kind of thing...

There were the Chies and the Kanjis who somehow managed to break their umbrellas with startling regularity. Then there were the Rises who 'forgot' and "pretty please sempai can I share yours". It was impossible to say no but it was always awkward for Souji because he was aggressively gay and he didn't know how to cope with 'pretty idol girl squeezing in a little too close because personal space doesn't exist when one is trying to flirt'. People tended to just start assuming Souji was dense, he wasn't, he was just forever unsure of the best way to break it to Rise.

Sometimes he just gives up and lets her figure things out herself, which she eventually did. Her mechanisms for coping were typically distracting herself with the other kohais and trying to be the best wing woman Souji could ask for. Out of everyone in the group, sometimes Naoto was his favorite if only for the fact she was quiet, never forget her umbrella, and tend to catch on to Souji's homosexual tendencies quickly enough that she brushed them off and focused on the case. 

Souji had learned to avoid these situations early on by always having an extra umbrella on him, in addition, there was always the chance one of his other friends (the ones outside the I.T.) would forget on the way to school because it wasn't raining but then it would start up around noon. Anything to help out a friend, but also anything to avoid having to share. The most awkward and painful and seemingly wonderful experiences when it came to umbrella sharing were the mornings when Yosuke forgot. Which were less often than one might assume. 

Just as expected, halfway through his walk to school Souji could hear the pounding of footsteps against wet concrete. "Hey! Make room!" A familiar voice shouts and Souji shuffled over without question, moving to let Chie under the cover of his wonderfully large umbrella. She smiled at the silver-haired boy, breath coming out a little sharper but for the most part no worse for the wear. She was only slightly damp. 

"Thanks for the save. I managed to break my umbrella not too long ago trying to replicate a move I saw in a movie. It didn't go too well. Sorry about this," she says with a nervous laugh, shifting uncomfortably. The girl in question glanced around nervously. "I can probably still make a run for it without getting too wet," she lets loose a nervous laugh, bouncing from foot to foot. Sharing an umbrella, such a stupid thing to stigmatize, but in a place like Inaba the rumor would be flying in an hour if Chie stayed under his umbrella for longer than a second. 

"It's fine, I have a spare," Souji says as he pulls the extra umbrella out of his bag. It was one of those really cheap umbrellas that folded up super small. It was a sharp contrast to the large, well-made umbrella that Souji held over the pair, but it was functional and it would at leave get Chie to school. 

"Oh wow, you're really prepared," she mutters under her breath. She took the umbrella and opened it up, moving out from under Souji's umbrella. "Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I'll make sure to return it as soon as I get a new one."

"Don't worry about it, I have more," Souji says with a dismissive shake of his head. That wasn't entirely true. He didn't actually have more umbrellas. The Dojima residence had four in total, the two that belonged to his uncle and cousin, the one he himself used and at this point technically owned, and of course the emergency spare. Souji, however, had the full intention of buying more after the foray into the TV world that would inevitably happen this afternoon. 

While his physical state between runs usually reset, his resilience against the fog and the way it affected him only seemed to get better every reset. He had to admit, it was a little weird looking at it objectively. The world itself appeared a little more clear to him, as though his eyes and body were acclimating slowly. The fog didn't leave him feeling sick or fatigued like it would the others. He wasn't sure why though. It was an interesting quirk that deserved more investigation. It could just be him bodily getting used to the situation, or it could be something a little deeper. 

That meant he wouldn't be worn out after the little expedition, giving him plenty of time to grab some extra cash and buy 20 umbrellas or some similarly outrageous number. Knowing Chie, let alone the rest of his friends, he'd need all of them. 

He absent mindedly chatted with Chie the rest of the way to school, quietly going over all the new clues in his head. 


End file.
